Well, last week I finally posted off my ESA application form. All 20 pages of fun and frolics were finally completed in my teeniest and tidiest handwriting, so it would fit in the boxes. I made sure that when random questions were asked, I answered them as fully as possible. For instance, there was one question that asked "can you go up and down two steps, with a rail, unassisted" to which the correct answer is yes. However, the full answer is "yes, but I can't move my wheelchair or rollator up or down those steps, so when I get where I'm going I can't actually move any further as I do not have my wheelchair or rollator." I would imagine that is a very common answer on this form! It just seems so limited in scope when illnesses are so wide in their effects.
I hate filling in DWP forms at the best of times, but I found myself particularly hating this form. I think it is because of what it represents, that if the Government has it's way I will have my benefits withdrawn from me, simply because my partner earns too much. In theory this is fine. I won't starve, I won't be homeless, I will be warm and clothed - but I will be completely and utterly dependent on my partner for EVERYTHING.
Currently my partner pays the mortgage, the bills and most of the food shopping. He pays for holidays and little extras, like my new tyre for my mobility scooter and my new rollator. He also shops, cooks, cleans and drives us everywhere, pushes me in my wheelchair and generally worries about how I'm doing.
When I have no income at all, I will have to go to him with my hand out to request money to pay for a haircut, or some new shoes. I will have to ask him if he minds buying me some shampoo or deodorant (and praying he buys the right one). I will have to ask him to pay for me to go out for lunch with my friends, on the rare occasions that is possible. In short, there will be no element of my life that is independent from my partner.
I hate that idea. There will be nothing that I can manage without my partner being involved on some level. That is a horrific weight to have on a relationship. It is hard enough knowing that he has to manage all the physical things in our lives, and that he has to keep earning a good salary so we can continue to live in our home and run our car. To add that extra burden to him, of knowing that without him, I would be completely stuffed, both physically and financially is so unfair. To make me completely dependent on someone else is unfair too. It is horrible to go, like a child to a parent, for "pocket money". It just feels wrong and I know I won't do it. I'll just go without, unless it is essential. I will hate asking for money. It was hard enough applying for the benefits, that I had contributed to, by paying National Insurance and Income Tax for 10 years. Going to someone I love and asking him for just one more thing feels impossible. He already gives me so much.
The anger making thing is, he also pays his Income Tax and National Insurance, and he's expected to pay out more because he chose to share his life with a sick woman. It would certainly make a lot of people think about getting involved with a sick or disabled person if they knew they would have to support them, without aid from the Government, for the rest of their lives.
Showing posts with label Support. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Support. Show all posts
Wednesday, 31 August 2011
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
Feeling Trapped
This weekend I had another reminder how life just gets more difficult when you can't walk very far.
I was visiting my in-laws, who had a local music festival going on. We had arranged some time previously that we would go, and tickets had been bought and arrangements made. We travelled down the day before so I could rest adequately for the big day and I decided that I would go for two sections of the event. I would go for lunch when it started and stay for a couple of hours to sit in the sun and enjoy the festival atmosphere and then go back to the in-laws for a rest. I would then go back for the last couple of hours between 8-30pm and 10-30pm. That way I would get to experience the whole nighttime and headline atmosphere.
Can you imagine my dismay when we unloaded the scooter from the car and found I had a puncture?
The other half quickly leapt into action calling round several mobility shops in the area, to find none that could help us. While this was going on I was so upset I had to go inside and take some deep breaths. I was so angry at this simple puncture because it seemed to sum up everything about my life that is extra hard.
It took a great deal of soul searching before I bought the mobility scooter. I didn't want to do it and my other half didn't want me to have to do it, but after we moved into this house, my health deteriorated and I found I couldn't get to the corner shop. We live on a hill you see. Going down a hill isn't that hard for me, but coming back up again, that is impossible. Without a mobility scooter I became trapped in my own home. If I wanted to go anywhere I had to ring for a taxi or ask for a lift. With the scooter I could go to the doctors, buy a loaf of bread and even get a haircut, without having to ring for a taxi. I could go out on a whim, you know, the way healthy people do. I decided to get a scooter and once I had it, I knew that I could never manage without one again.
Having a puncture at the weekend meant my in-laws having to drive me to the festival and back. They had to wait in for me to call and tell them when I had reached my limit. When I reached my limit I tried calling and there was no answer. In the end my other half had to walk back round to the house to find that his mother had taken her hearing aids out and hadn't heard the phone, while his father had popped out for a bit. She had forgotten to put them back in when he went out, and that is why she missed my calls. By the time I eventually got back I was in a foul mood because I had to rely on other people and they had to adjust their day to accommodate my health, and it hadn't even worked properly. I was also in more pain because I had stayed longer than I intended and had got myself worked up and angry. I never did go back to the festival to enjoy the headliners. I think I knew that if I had rely on the in-laws I would be worrying about being stranded again because of some strange and unlikely coincidence.
So whilst my whole weekend wasn't ruined by the puncture, it certainly limited my enjoyment, and probably increased my pain levels due to pacing inadequacies and stress.
Everything in my life is so much harder than it would be if I was healthy. I do believe that most things can be achieved if you apply a little lateral thinking and clever scheduling, but quite often it also includes applying money to the problem, like buying a scooter or paying for taxis.
I finally got my scooter tyre inner tube replaced today. The scooter repair people came out the day after I called them. I am now mobile again. It cost me £48 to get my freedom back. I only had one day of being stuck at home with no way of getting out, but it reminded me of all the things I hate about being trapped in my house, it feels a little bit too much like being trapped by my own body. It's another example of why it is so expensive being disabled. I think most of that £48 cost was call out fee. Because I am disabled, someone has to come out to me to fix the scooter. It fills me with horror what would happen if I didn't have the money to repair the only thing that gives me true freedom.
I feel guilty for feeling so frustrated and angry at my situation when I have the benefit of a supportive partner, family and friends and mobility equipment that helps me and is repaired when things go wrong. But, whilst I know that lots of people have it worse than me, I can only tell my story and how my disability effects me, and this really made me upset, so I'm sharing it.
I was visiting my in-laws, who had a local music festival going on. We had arranged some time previously that we would go, and tickets had been bought and arrangements made. We travelled down the day before so I could rest adequately for the big day and I decided that I would go for two sections of the event. I would go for lunch when it started and stay for a couple of hours to sit in the sun and enjoy the festival atmosphere and then go back to the in-laws for a rest. I would then go back for the last couple of hours between 8-30pm and 10-30pm. That way I would get to experience the whole nighttime and headline atmosphere.
Can you imagine my dismay when we unloaded the scooter from the car and found I had a puncture?
The other half quickly leapt into action calling round several mobility shops in the area, to find none that could help us. While this was going on I was so upset I had to go inside and take some deep breaths. I was so angry at this simple puncture because it seemed to sum up everything about my life that is extra hard.
It took a great deal of soul searching before I bought the mobility scooter. I didn't want to do it and my other half didn't want me to have to do it, but after we moved into this house, my health deteriorated and I found I couldn't get to the corner shop. We live on a hill you see. Going down a hill isn't that hard for me, but coming back up again, that is impossible. Without a mobility scooter I became trapped in my own home. If I wanted to go anywhere I had to ring for a taxi or ask for a lift. With the scooter I could go to the doctors, buy a loaf of bread and even get a haircut, without having to ring for a taxi. I could go out on a whim, you know, the way healthy people do. I decided to get a scooter and once I had it, I knew that I could never manage without one again.
Having a puncture at the weekend meant my in-laws having to drive me to the festival and back. They had to wait in for me to call and tell them when I had reached my limit. When I reached my limit I tried calling and there was no answer. In the end my other half had to walk back round to the house to find that his mother had taken her hearing aids out and hadn't heard the phone, while his father had popped out for a bit. She had forgotten to put them back in when he went out, and that is why she missed my calls. By the time I eventually got back I was in a foul mood because I had to rely on other people and they had to adjust their day to accommodate my health, and it hadn't even worked properly. I was also in more pain because I had stayed longer than I intended and had got myself worked up and angry. I never did go back to the festival to enjoy the headliners. I think I knew that if I had rely on the in-laws I would be worrying about being stranded again because of some strange and unlikely coincidence.
So whilst my whole weekend wasn't ruined by the puncture, it certainly limited my enjoyment, and probably increased my pain levels due to pacing inadequacies and stress.
Everything in my life is so much harder than it would be if I was healthy. I do believe that most things can be achieved if you apply a little lateral thinking and clever scheduling, but quite often it also includes applying money to the problem, like buying a scooter or paying for taxis.
I finally got my scooter tyre inner tube replaced today. The scooter repair people came out the day after I called them. I am now mobile again. It cost me £48 to get my freedom back. I only had one day of being stuck at home with no way of getting out, but it reminded me of all the things I hate about being trapped in my house, it feels a little bit too much like being trapped by my own body. It's another example of why it is so expensive being disabled. I think most of that £48 cost was call out fee. Because I am disabled, someone has to come out to me to fix the scooter. It fills me with horror what would happen if I didn't have the money to repair the only thing that gives me true freedom.
I feel guilty for feeling so frustrated and angry at my situation when I have the benefit of a supportive partner, family and friends and mobility equipment that helps me and is repaired when things go wrong. But, whilst I know that lots of people have it worse than me, I can only tell my story and how my disability effects me, and this really made me upset, so I'm sharing it.
Saturday, 9 July 2011
Going on Holiday
This weekend my partner and I sat down and started researching holidays. It's a huge thing to do when you have ill health. Our trip to Turkey last year was our first foreign holiday since 2001. It was a massive leap of faith to try and do it and we learnt a lot from our experiences. We hope that these lessons will enable us to have a better holiday this year. I'm sure we will make mistakes this time round, but at least they will be different ones!
As I just about managed the 4.5 hour flight to Turkey last year we have set this as our upper limit for air travel time, as I have surgery since then. I was miserable after both flights last year, but I'm hoping since the surgery I will be less miserable on this length of flight, but I'm not holding my breath, and packing my heat pads and TENS machine.
We have settled on a holiday to the Greek side of Cyprus, as the Blue Badge will be valid there and we plan on hiring a car for the whole week. Last time we only hired it for one day and had to rely on taxis the rest of the time. It should be relatively easy to drive there as they drive on the same side of the road as we do in the UK.
We have decided against a package deal as we want greater control over the place we will end up on arrival. In Turkey we stayed in a big fancy hotel with lifts, swimming pool and gardens and a bar. It was miles from anything else and it restricted us so much. We want to be somewhere that is close to shops and restaurants, so my partner can push me more easily in the wheelchair. We have also decided to go self catering so I can just stay in the apartment if I'm feeling rotten and will still be able to get food and drink without going on a huge hike through the hotel.
We had to do some very in depth research to find somewhere that would work for us. We settled on Peyia which is a small town outside Paphos, that is close to the coast. It looks lovely, if a bit hilly. We are taking my wheelchair, which we will be able to fold up into the boot of a hire car, but we have also found a great service. It's called Paraquip and it rents out all sort of living aids and mobility equipment. They even deliver and collect free of charge from the area we are going to be staying. We plan on hiring a mini scooter that we can fold up into a car boot. This will give us the option of using either the scooter or wheelchair on day trips. I'm thinking that the scooter will get used more, as I prefer to be self propelling and to be more in control of my direction. The scooter will also enable us to go out more easil,y round and about in Peyia to the lovely looking restaurants and shops. I didn't really get to do any wandering or wheeling around in Turkey. I love doing that, and I couldn't. Being in a village, rather than a city, will hopefully make everything much less spread out.
We have found a great looking apartment to rent through a lettings website and have checked through email that the apartment has lift access. The photos also show nice padded chairs and sofas, including padded chairs on a terrace so I should be quite comfortable in the apartment, which is really essential. There is also a pool to laze around that we share with the other apartments in the complex.
We located the complex on Google Maps and worked out how far it was, using the map scale, to the town centre. We completely underestimated the distances on Google Maps last year, which is why we were so cut off from everything in our leviathan of a hotel. This time we pulled up maps of our home neighbourhood and the area of the holiday complex and compared the distances against familiar places. We think we are going to be approximately 200-400m away from the town centre, which is great.
We also have to get specialist travel insurance to cover the wheelchair etc and any medical costs. We used Travelability last time. If anyone has any other recommendations they would be gratefully received.
Whilst all this is very exciting to be organising, it also incredibly expensive. We have so many additional costs that the able bodied don't have. There are so many other things we need to think about, like informing the airline about my physical requirements etc. It was much easier in 2001 before I got really ill. I only had pain around my periods then, and we timed the holiday just right so that I didn't really have any mobility issues. I got tired and sore if I did too much, but that "too much" marker was a lot further away then. Too much was after a long day trip that involved going round some caves, a trip on a boat and round a small island, plus some shopping. We just rested up the next day and then I was fine again. I can't tackle anything like that now. In fact all of what I experienced in that one day is probably what I'll manage over the course of a week.
I'm just excited to be going somewhere different, where the culture is not my own, where the food is interesting and the weather is warm. That's all I need to make me happy. That is what most people need to be happy. I know how incredibly lucky I am to have a partner who can afford to pay for all the additional holiday expenses. Not many people are as fortunate as I am. If we had to rely on just my benefits, as most sick or disabled people do, there would be no holiday, either abroad or in the UK, ever. It would be one day after another of the same tedious, painful grinding existence. Everyone needs to get a break from their everyday existence and it's even more important when the everyday is so difficult.
Whilst it does require more effort and greater cost to organise my holiday, than it would if I were fit and healthy, I can't complain too loudly about it. I am getting to visit a lovely and interesting part of the world, when so many of my counterparts never get to experience anywhere other than their own four walls. If you are poor, but healthy, at least you can go camping! When you are poor and sick, you can't go anywhere. I can't believe that I didn't think about these things when I was healthy, but that's the problem isn't it? No one thinks about these things until it affects them directly, or someone close to them. It's so easy to take holidays for granted. That's never going to happen to me again.
As I just about managed the 4.5 hour flight to Turkey last year we have set this as our upper limit for air travel time, as I have surgery since then. I was miserable after both flights last year, but I'm hoping since the surgery I will be less miserable on this length of flight, but I'm not holding my breath, and packing my heat pads and TENS machine.
We have settled on a holiday to the Greek side of Cyprus, as the Blue Badge will be valid there and we plan on hiring a car for the whole week. Last time we only hired it for one day and had to rely on taxis the rest of the time. It should be relatively easy to drive there as they drive on the same side of the road as we do in the UK.
We have decided against a package deal as we want greater control over the place we will end up on arrival. In Turkey we stayed in a big fancy hotel with lifts, swimming pool and gardens and a bar. It was miles from anything else and it restricted us so much. We want to be somewhere that is close to shops and restaurants, so my partner can push me more easily in the wheelchair. We have also decided to go self catering so I can just stay in the apartment if I'm feeling rotten and will still be able to get food and drink without going on a huge hike through the hotel.
We had to do some very in depth research to find somewhere that would work for us. We settled on Peyia which is a small town outside Paphos, that is close to the coast. It looks lovely, if a bit hilly. We are taking my wheelchair, which we will be able to fold up into the boot of a hire car, but we have also found a great service. It's called Paraquip and it rents out all sort of living aids and mobility equipment. They even deliver and collect free of charge from the area we are going to be staying. We plan on hiring a mini scooter that we can fold up into a car boot. This will give us the option of using either the scooter or wheelchair on day trips. I'm thinking that the scooter will get used more, as I prefer to be self propelling and to be more in control of my direction. The scooter will also enable us to go out more easil,y round and about in Peyia to the lovely looking restaurants and shops. I didn't really get to do any wandering or wheeling around in Turkey. I love doing that, and I couldn't. Being in a village, rather than a city, will hopefully make everything much less spread out.
We have found a great looking apartment to rent through a lettings website and have checked through email that the apartment has lift access. The photos also show nice padded chairs and sofas, including padded chairs on a terrace so I should be quite comfortable in the apartment, which is really essential. There is also a pool to laze around that we share with the other apartments in the complex.
We located the complex on Google Maps and worked out how far it was, using the map scale, to the town centre. We completely underestimated the distances on Google Maps last year, which is why we were so cut off from everything in our leviathan of a hotel. This time we pulled up maps of our home neighbourhood and the area of the holiday complex and compared the distances against familiar places. We think we are going to be approximately 200-400m away from the town centre, which is great.
We also have to get specialist travel insurance to cover the wheelchair etc and any medical costs. We used Travelability last time. If anyone has any other recommendations they would be gratefully received.
Whilst all this is very exciting to be organising, it also incredibly expensive. We have so many additional costs that the able bodied don't have. There are so many other things we need to think about, like informing the airline about my physical requirements etc. It was much easier in 2001 before I got really ill. I only had pain around my periods then, and we timed the holiday just right so that I didn't really have any mobility issues. I got tired and sore if I did too much, but that "too much" marker was a lot further away then. Too much was after a long day trip that involved going round some caves, a trip on a boat and round a small island, plus some shopping. We just rested up the next day and then I was fine again. I can't tackle anything like that now. In fact all of what I experienced in that one day is probably what I'll manage over the course of a week.
I'm just excited to be going somewhere different, where the culture is not my own, where the food is interesting and the weather is warm. That's all I need to make me happy. That is what most people need to be happy. I know how incredibly lucky I am to have a partner who can afford to pay for all the additional holiday expenses. Not many people are as fortunate as I am. If we had to rely on just my benefits, as most sick or disabled people do, there would be no holiday, either abroad or in the UK, ever. It would be one day after another of the same tedious, painful grinding existence. Everyone needs to get a break from their everyday existence and it's even more important when the everyday is so difficult.
Whilst it does require more effort and greater cost to organise my holiday, than it would if I were fit and healthy, I can't complain too loudly about it. I am getting to visit a lovely and interesting part of the world, when so many of my counterparts never get to experience anywhere other than their own four walls. If you are poor, but healthy, at least you can go camping! When you are poor and sick, you can't go anywhere. I can't believe that I didn't think about these things when I was healthy, but that's the problem isn't it? No one thinks about these things until it affects them directly, or someone close to them. It's so easy to take holidays for granted. That's never going to happen to me again.
Sunday, 3 July 2011
Odd Week
I have felt very strange this week. I have been more than usually resentful of my rubbish body and my limitations. I normally have quite a good handle on what I can and can't do and this week I felt like ignoring all of my experience for some bizarre reason.
I had two appointments at the start of the week that I had no choice about cancelling. The first was an appointment with my consultant on Monday, and the second was my Pelvic Pain Support Group on Tuesday.
My support group is in the process of being wound down. The woman who normally facilitates the group is on maternity leave and she has not been replaced, so other employees are having to pick up her work. Instead of having a monthly meeting we were having a meeting in June and one in September and then no more, even when the normal facilitator comes back. I am really angry about this. Apparently because the group is not a "treatment" with a finite end to it, they don't want to fund it anymore.
The stupid thing is that if this group had been made advertised more effectively and been made to work properly, as a form of counselling and a way of teaching coping mechanisms then this could have been made to work as a form of treatment. Instead sufferers of pelvic pain are left to fend for themselves or to try and get individual counselling, which is nigh on impossible.
As the group is being wound down, the only reason I have gone to the recent meetings is because I know that it helps the others if I am there. I am getting nothing from the meetings except an overwhelming feeling of rage and frustration that our NHS is being dismantled. The group may not have worked properly, but if it is running there is a chance of being able to correct it and get it helping lots of women. If it is cancelled, then who is is helping?
One of the women in my group did not even know about the changes in the welfare system. She had no idea that she is probably going to lose her money. She struggles financially as it is, as she has hospital appointments all around the country, with various specialists. She can't travel on her own, so her husband has to take time off work to take her and the travel is incredibly expensive. They are trying to manage as best they can on the money they have, which includes incapacity benefit and they are still struggling. When that money is withdrawn, my friend will not be able to get her hospital appointments.
I think, with hindsight, this meeting filled me with massive amounts of negative energy that I wanted to expel. Instead of resting up after the meeting and doing something positive like knitting or sewing, I went shopping, for the first time since the op.
I bought some nice things, but I didn't have to do it the way that I did. I could have been sensible and accessed the shop mobility scheme and got around town on a mobility scooter. Alternatively, I could have asked my partner to take me shopping at the weekend and have him push me round in the wheelchair. I decided to do neither of those things and I am still paying the price of my anger and frustration.
I made the mistake of trying to walk around some shops. I stupidly entering a shopping mall to get something to eat. I knew I wouldn't be able to get out unless I walked for what I knew would feel like miles. I had to stop at every available bench or perch. I KNEW I couldn't walk that far. I KNEW it would make me fall over for days, if not weeks, and I did it anyway because I was so angry at the world and my body that I decided to punish it. I pushed myself beyond my limits and I am still paying for it.
My body is rebelling. I don't blame it. I was stupid. I wanted to do things that I used to be able to do, because my world is falling apart and my place in it is uncertain. It is so stupid because the only person I am punishing is myself and the people who care about me. These are the people are getting less of me because I was angry at my body. It was stupid and childish and I should know better.
I know that I am lucky that my partner earns enough that if I lose my benefits we won't starve, we won't lose the house and we will still be able to afford heat and light, and to continue to run a car. Instead of being relieved about my own good fortune I am getting angry and I am grieving over everyone else's struggles. All the people I have come to know through the internet or my support group, or the people I see in the hospital waiting rooms, it is them I am angry about. They need someone to fight for them, because most of them don't even know that this going to happen, like my friend in the support group. These changes have received so little media coverage that most people who struggle to get out of bed every day are going to received a massive shock. They will open a letter in a few months time telling them that they are going lose a massive proportion of the income that is coming into their households. Can you imagine the devastation and the despair that will cause?
So all of these feelings have been bubbling under the surface and instead of taking them out and looking at them and dealing with them like a grown up sensible woman, I decided to push my body beyond it's endurance on something as STUPID as shopping. It wasn't for a family member, or a dear friend. It wasn't for my partner or any other valid reason. It was because I was angry and frustrated about my limits, so I decided to ignore them until it was too late.
So all in all, it's been a bit of an odd and angry week.
I had two appointments at the start of the week that I had no choice about cancelling. The first was an appointment with my consultant on Monday, and the second was my Pelvic Pain Support Group on Tuesday.
My support group is in the process of being wound down. The woman who normally facilitates the group is on maternity leave and she has not been replaced, so other employees are having to pick up her work. Instead of having a monthly meeting we were having a meeting in June and one in September and then no more, even when the normal facilitator comes back. I am really angry about this. Apparently because the group is not a "treatment" with a finite end to it, they don't want to fund it anymore.
The stupid thing is that if this group had been made advertised more effectively and been made to work properly, as a form of counselling and a way of teaching coping mechanisms then this could have been made to work as a form of treatment. Instead sufferers of pelvic pain are left to fend for themselves or to try and get individual counselling, which is nigh on impossible.
As the group is being wound down, the only reason I have gone to the recent meetings is because I know that it helps the others if I am there. I am getting nothing from the meetings except an overwhelming feeling of rage and frustration that our NHS is being dismantled. The group may not have worked properly, but if it is running there is a chance of being able to correct it and get it helping lots of women. If it is cancelled, then who is is helping?
One of the women in my group did not even know about the changes in the welfare system. She had no idea that she is probably going to lose her money. She struggles financially as it is, as she has hospital appointments all around the country, with various specialists. She can't travel on her own, so her husband has to take time off work to take her and the travel is incredibly expensive. They are trying to manage as best they can on the money they have, which includes incapacity benefit and they are still struggling. When that money is withdrawn, my friend will not be able to get her hospital appointments.
I think, with hindsight, this meeting filled me with massive amounts of negative energy that I wanted to expel. Instead of resting up after the meeting and doing something positive like knitting or sewing, I went shopping, for the first time since the op.
I bought some nice things, but I didn't have to do it the way that I did. I could have been sensible and accessed the shop mobility scheme and got around town on a mobility scooter. Alternatively, I could have asked my partner to take me shopping at the weekend and have him push me round in the wheelchair. I decided to do neither of those things and I am still paying the price of my anger and frustration.
I made the mistake of trying to walk around some shops. I stupidly entering a shopping mall to get something to eat. I knew I wouldn't be able to get out unless I walked for what I knew would feel like miles. I had to stop at every available bench or perch. I KNEW I couldn't walk that far. I KNEW it would make me fall over for days, if not weeks, and I did it anyway because I was so angry at the world and my body that I decided to punish it. I pushed myself beyond my limits and I am still paying for it.
My body is rebelling. I don't blame it. I was stupid. I wanted to do things that I used to be able to do, because my world is falling apart and my place in it is uncertain. It is so stupid because the only person I am punishing is myself and the people who care about me. These are the people are getting less of me because I was angry at my body. It was stupid and childish and I should know better.
I know that I am lucky that my partner earns enough that if I lose my benefits we won't starve, we won't lose the house and we will still be able to afford heat and light, and to continue to run a car. Instead of being relieved about my own good fortune I am getting angry and I am grieving over everyone else's struggles. All the people I have come to know through the internet or my support group, or the people I see in the hospital waiting rooms, it is them I am angry about. They need someone to fight for them, because most of them don't even know that this going to happen, like my friend in the support group. These changes have received so little media coverage that most people who struggle to get out of bed every day are going to received a massive shock. They will open a letter in a few months time telling them that they are going lose a massive proportion of the income that is coming into their households. Can you imagine the devastation and the despair that will cause?
So all of these feelings have been bubbling under the surface and instead of taking them out and looking at them and dealing with them like a grown up sensible woman, I decided to push my body beyond it's endurance on something as STUPID as shopping. It wasn't for a family member, or a dear friend. It wasn't for my partner or any other valid reason. It was because I was angry and frustrated about my limits, so I decided to ignore them until it was too late.
So all in all, it's been a bit of an odd and angry week.
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