Thursday, 2 February 2012

Missing in Action.....

I know I haven't posted very much here over the last few weeks, and I think I probably should have been doing.  Not for any reason other than my own sanity, but I should have been writing down what I was feeling to help me process it.

The last few weeks I have basically spent inside my own head worrying and feeling down.  I won't use the word depressed because it wasn't that bad.  As someone who has experienced depression, I know how I'm feeling is not as bad as that, but it could lead to that.  I don't want to let myself walk down that road again, it's horrible.  And now I know what I need to do in order to avoid descending into darkness. 

  1. I need to look at how I'm feeling.  
  2. I need to talk about it
  3. I need to accept that those feelings are valid, and 
  4. look at ways to change why I am feeling that way.

Now I can certainly do the first three.  Though it did take a while to get to number 2!  Essentially I have two major problems.  The first is the same as most of the sick and disabled people in the UK at the moment, our world is being demolished by the Government and it is breaking my heart to see what this country is capable of inflicting upon it's most vulnerable.

The second problem is more selfish.  My pain is getting worse again.  Less than 12 months since my last surgery and I'm struggling with the pain caused by adhesions again.  I had been experiencing discomfort for a few months, but these last few weeks have been really unbearable.  Trying to adjust to the new levels of pain has made me feel so despairing that this merry-go-round is about to start again, that I have found it hard to focus on anything but the pain.  I've wasted several days unable to read or craft and that is really unusual for me. 

So now I have looked at how I'm feeling and have accepted that it is normal to feel this way.  I shouldn't be ashamed of those feelings.  They are not a sign of weakness, they are a sign of sanity!  Any person who did not feel frustrated and sad and lonely in these circumstances is probably not wired right, or is on a much higher plain than I am! 

So I guess it is now onto step 4.  I feel so overwhelmed with the problems of the Welfare Reform Bill and what it is going to do to the people I have come to know through the Spartacus Report group, that I just don't know where to start.  I think that is a common sensation amongst all the hard working campaigners.  We fought so hard to get just a tiny bit of decency written into the Bill, and then the Commons stomped all over it yesterday.  It feels like we have been beaten into a pulp by the school bully after we thought we had got them expelled.  So  I guess with this problem I am going to go away and let my mind sift through the ramifications, read around other people's blogs and see how I feel in a few days.  At the moment though, I just feel pummelled emotionally.

With the other issue I have decided to take a more proactive approach.  I have made an appointment to see a GP next week and I am going to discuss ways of tinkering with my medication to give me a way to top them up when I have break through pain.  This is my biggest issue.  When the pain gets really bad, there is nothing I can do except go to bed and cry.  I need to be able to do something to help take the edge off it.  I think there are ways of doing that as I am not totally maxed out on ALL my meds, just some of them.

I've also downloaded a pain management app to see if by keeping an eye on where my pain is and when I feel it, I can work out ways to alleviate the pain through pacing.  I don't know if it will help, but at least I will have something to show the Consultant when I next see him.  I am going to try and ring the clinic and see if I can get an earlier appointment because I need reassuring that these adhesions are not going to kill me.  Having a detailed record of where my pain is located and when will be a useful tool to take to an appointment.

I think since finding out that my last surgery alleviated a condition, that could have killed me, I have become a lot more nervous about having adhesions.  I used to think it would just cause pain, but learning that a bowel obstruction can be lethal has made me more jumpy about it.

At least with my own health I have things I can do to improve matters, providing I approach them in the right way.  I can't do anything, on my own, about the Welfare Reform Bill, but at least I can start managing my pain better.